Fear and Sadness
by Bookworm1986
Summary: Carrie one shots set during/after the 4 month flash forward. For those not happy with the finale but especially that flash forward. Including Max and my creation Stephen who is here to shake things up a bit. Caution for swearing. Please Read & Review
1. Alone

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N I'm not really happy with the prospect of Carrie giving up baby Brody, but I felt the need to be sympathetic. She deserves it. She didn't leave him to die on his own.

* * *

"I think they call it love", that's what Quinn said to her when she admitted she'd kept the baby because she wanted a part of Brody. This hadn't been the plan, Brody wasn't supposed to die. He was supposed to come home, name cleared, not leave her on her own with a kid.

That night at the bar, before they'd decided to warm up the parking lot, she told Brody she hadn't found anything as important as her job. She hadn't, not until him anyway. He made her feel things she'd never felt before. She had been well along the road before she'd realised how hard she'd fallen for him. There was no going back and she hadn't wanted to.

Apparently people now saw him the way she did. All those times they had judged her for loving him and how angry that made her. Now she couldn't care less if they saw him the way she did, she just wanted him back.

"I fucked it up and it would be really sad to see you do the same" Quinn told her when she asked him about his kid.

Fear of fucking it up was exactly what she felt. Sometimes, she hardly remembered to take care of herself. She had needed so badly for Brody's name to be cleared, convinced that would allow them to be together. She felt if he were here, she could be a mum, because she wouldn't be on her own. It would be his second chance, but his name hasn't been cleared and he isn't here.

Maggie seems so certain that Carrie will love her daughter, that once she is born, everything will be ok. Carrie doesn't see how that can be. She doesn't know anything about children. She doesn't want to open her heart to that. She wants to go to Istanbul, run away, get out of this cage, not feel like a trapped animal, the way Body had felt. She wants to take her broken heart, lock it up in a box, surrounded by walls. She wants to go and focus on the cold efficiency of her job, anything that would distract her from the ache in her chest that doesn't want to go away, that's with her every time she breathes. Anything to distract her from the hole in her heart where Brody had lived. She'll be good at her job, cold, robotic and ruthless. It's what she needs.

Her dad hit her with a low blow that was hurting her still. She was going to do to her daughter what her mother had done to her. Brody comforted her as she told him how much it hurt when her mother never contacted her again. What would he think of her abandoning their child? He had loved Issa and had been driven to the brink when he was killed. She hated the thought of him hating her.

She was left on her own with the fear that she would hate her own daughter, hate looking at her, hate her for the reminder she was of what Carrie had lost. What about when she was older and started asking questions about her dad, what the fuck does she tell her about him? What about when she asks why and how he died.

"I convinced him to do this one last thing and he died".

She wasn't just scared, she felt guilt eating away at her. Why had she felt the need to do it, why couldn't having him there have been enough? He wouldn't have agreed to do it for anyone else but her. Would her daughter hate her for that?

They told her she wouldn't have to do it by herself, but they didn't understand. She needed him and she couldn't do this without him. Right now there was only fear and sadness.


	2. Out of sight, out of mind

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Was meant to be a one shot, but apparently Carrie has more to share. She's still feeling alone. Angsty chapter. Caution for minor swearing.

* * *

Sitting on her bed trying to calm herself down, she knew that being able to use pregnancy hormones as an excuse for breaking down in tears wouldn't hold up much longer. Watching Lockhart trying to be understanding but failing miserably had perhaps been worth it. Give him an international incident and he would handle it no bother, confront him with a crying pregnant lady and he becomes a useless mess.

She had never been in love before, scoffed at the very thought of that happening to her. She hadn't intended on it, but dared to fall for someone no one approved of.

She was fed up hearing everything would be ok and she would feel differently once the baby was born. Baby this, baby that, as if she could forget about it. It was suffocating and the only person who would understand is the one who isn't here and never would be again. On and on everyone goes about this baby, ignoring the reason she is so sad.

Psychologists are full of "talk to someone, don't bottle up your feelings". Who is there to talk to when no one wants to hear how much she misses Brody? Who is there to talk to when they all seem so intent on ignoring the fact that he is the father of this baby they keep going on about, like it is a fucking inconvenience to them?

It is as if they expect she'll be ok now because the "problem" isn't here anymore. He's not a problem. She loves him and, every time someone dances around the issue, her heart breaks that bit more. She lay her head on her pillow and lets the tears fall. The bed is empty and cold without him.

He is out of sight, out of mind to everyone but her.


	3. Daddy's girl

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit - remember when I said I wouldn't be adding to this one for a while because of The Long Goodbye?...ha!, see how long that lasted!

Anara - thank you very much for the lovely review. Regarding Brody, you are not alone.

A/N This was originally meant to be a one shot. Then the idea for Chapter 2 popped up. Now, I have a third. I have marked the story as complete for now though. It is my intention to concentrate on The Long Goodbye and I Have to Say. So, it is likely this one will be on the shelf for a while...though maybe don't quote me on that.

* * *

Carrie heard her front door banging shut and her dad shouting on her.

"Carrie, Carrie?", she could hear him moving around. Right now she wished he'd just go away, she wasn't in the mood for another lecture.

"CARRIE", where the fuck are you?", he yelled.

Realising she wasn't going to get away with sitting in here and hoping he would take the hint and leave, she yelled back, "in the fucking toilet. Is that ok?", daring him to answer her back.

He didn't. She could hear him moving about again, most likely in the kitchen. Sure enough, that's where she found him, taking out bowls and spoons and pouring them juice.

He looked up at her as she walked into the kitchen and said "we need to talk".

Before he could say anything else, Carrie cut across him, "Look, dad, I don't need another lecture or argument. I'm tired, my back aches and I need to pee all the time".

He just stares at her for a few seconds, appraising her in the way that only he, as her father could, before speaking to her, "You know I know you're a smarty pants and CIA, but if you remember, I keep tin foil hats. Your CIA tricks won't work on me. So, maybe you should let your old man speak for himself, instead of assuming you know what he's going to say".

Despite herself, Carrie smiled.

"See, now that is much better", her dad looks at her with a smile of his own.

"Come on", her dad says pulling her into the living room, bringing the bowls and juice with him.

She notices an Ice box in the middle of her living room floor. She looks at him quizically and asks "Dad, why is there an ice box in my living room?".

"Never mind that right now", he waves his hand dismissively. He looks right at her and says "I'm sorry".

This catches Carrie completely off guard "what?" she asks stupidly, no idea what he's apologising for.

"For comparing you to your mum. It was wrong of me", he answered her.

"oh...that" she says sadly.

"I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy about it, but if you need to go to Istanbul, I'll respect that decision", he says sincerely.

Carrie, afraid her voice might crack if she speaks, settles instead for giving her dad a hug.

"That's not what I wanted to talk to you about though" he says looking at her intently, after breaking the hug.

"Oh" is all Carrie says to that, afraid of where this may be going.

Her dad continues "I've been waiting for you to come and talk to me, but you've always been independent and head strong...and you take leaps of logic. When it comes to your work that's probably a good thing, but for your own personal life, not so good. It dawned on me that maybe the reason you haven't said anything, is because you think no one cares".

Carrie said nothing, hardly daring to believe her dad wanted to talk about what she thought he did.

"All I am saying is that, if you want to talk about Brody, I'm here" he says to her.

Being deffensive about Brody is a reflex Carrie can't help, "You didn't like him, didn't approve", she says accusingly, anger rising to the surface.

"How could I like him after what he put you through? And since when have I approved of most of the things you've done? Doesn't stop me being here, does it?", her dad fires back at her not backing down, "I won't let you push me away, not when you need me the most".

Carrie, feels the tears pooling in her eyes "then why do you care?" she stutters out, head down and voice cracking.

Her dad reaches over to her and lifts her head up, looking her directly in the eyes and simply says, "Because you do".

Carrie can't hold the tears back any longer and allows her dad to pull her to his chest, where she rests her head, sobbing uncontrolably.

"I'm your dad and, I have never seen anyone have the effect on you, he did. I can't pretend to understand how you could love him, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that you did and, if people have a problem with that, let them. That's their problem. You feel the way you feel, your heart wants what it wants. Never let anyone make you feel guilty about that, not ever. Where is it written that love has to make sense?".

Carrie couldn't have spoken now if she wanted to, but her dad understood. He just let her cry. "That's it let it out, just let it out", he comforted her.

They sat there for a long time, Carrie wasn't sure how long. The tears were still falling, but she'd calmed down a lot. Her dad got up and opened the ice box and turned back to Carrie, "I believe Chocolate Chip Mint Cookie Dough Ice Cream is appropriate?", he questioned.

She nodded her head in reply and her dad started spooning it into their bowls. She wasn't sure what she was going to do about the baby, still uncertain and scared. She knew one thing though, if she did decide she had to go to Istanbul, their little girl would have the best and most loving Grandfather in the world.


	4. Where the heart is, Brody is

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LuckyU - thank you very much for the review. Thanks to everyone reading and/or reviewing.

A/N To be fair to me, I did tell you not to quote me. I am clearly no good at concentrating on one thing. Please R & R

* * *

She was thinking a lot and that might be good if she were thinking a lot about work, but she wasn't.

It's not as if there's not lots to do or to be done. There is, it's just that now she's here in Istanbul and settled into a routine, she has time to think. She knows her way about, has learned the fastest routes. She has people working for her, she gets to delegate...and she's finding that she doesn't really like it. It means she doesn't have to do all the running around. Most bosses are happy with that, but not her. It's not that she doesn't trust those working for her, because with the exception of her Depute, Tony, she brought everyone else with her. Max is always finding something to complain about, to the extent she's considered ordering Quinn to shoot him just for some peace and quiet. Though, the part of her easily irritated with Max, finds itself so often in conflict with the part of her that's glad Max's complaints give her something else to focus on, if even only for a few minutes. Anything to avoid thinking about what's really bothering her.

Her dad, true to his word, had respected her decision to leave, but she hadn't missed the disappoinment in his eyes as they said goodbye to each other, hadn't missed the effort he put into not saying whatever he really wanted to. She hadn't taken him up on the offer of speaking about Brody. It had been enough to know he was supportive.

Maggie hadn't been as understanding this time round. She made it clear what she thought of Carrie's decision and this was the last straw. Next time Carrie needed something, she should forget about asking Maggie. Carrie had laughed, after all her sister always relented in the end. Carrie could usually count on Maggie, even if it were sometimes in reluctance, Maggie was always there when Carrie needed her. However, it seemed Maggie's patience had finally run out. Carrie had never really considered that she took her sister for granted, but as she thought back to their last "conversation", she saw now that's exactly what she'd done.

* * *

_flashback_

"Oh, you think I'm bluffing, do you?", Maggie demanded of her.

"In a word, yes", Carrie replied, going back to packing. She knew her sister too well for the angry threat to be taken seriously.

"Don't fucking laugh at me, Carrie!", Maggie ordered her.

Carrie stopped what she was doing and looked at her sister. It wasn't just the venom in her tone or Maggie swearing that caught Carrie's attention, it was the look in her eyes. They were full of fury.

"Maggie, I ..."

Maggie interrupted Carrie before she could continue "Save it. I know what you think, because you think you're right about everything. You think I'm just angry and that next time you need my help, I'll be there because you're my sister".

"Maggie, listen..."

"No! You listen, for a change, you are going to listen. Do you even think of me as your sister or just a Doctor who happens to be related to you? For too long you've taken me and dad for granted and we've let you because you're our family", Maggie continues.

"Maggie, what are you...",

Interrupting again, Maggie is radiating burning heat, "Of course, of course, what am I thinking about? How stupid of me to expect you to understand anything about family or love. Let me spell it out for you then. Ever since the day you met that Saul Berenson, this family has always come second. Yet whenever you are in trouble and they dump you like a hot potato, it's me and dad who are left to pick up the pieces. Then the first hint you can get back in, off you go, not giving us a second glance until the next time it goes wrong. Well not anymore. I am fed up of you expecting us to accept it because that's the way it is. Dad and I didn't sign up for this. It's too much and, because you're my sister, I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. I can't let you do it to me and the girls anymore. If Dad wants to leave himself open to it, that's his choice, but don't expect the same from me. I am fed up of you putting them first, fed up of you treating us like last night's garbage disposal. You say you love Brody, but he died in some CIA op, didn't he? Yet, here you are abandoning your child and still working for them. Of course, just like they taught you, you'll find away to justify it. Growing up with dad might not always have been a picnic, but he made sure we knew he loved us and you have forgotten it for a group of people who will shit on you as soon as look at you and...", Maggie trailed off, exhausted from her rant.

Carrie couldn't say anything. How could she when she hadn't realised how Maggie felt? When the thought hadn't even crossed her mind.

"You go to Istanbul, do what you want, you always do. Just don't come running to me when it goes to shit", Maggie finished, before walking out without a backwards glance at her sister.

_End flashback_

* * *

Carrie had wanted to go after Maggie, but didn't. This, she didn't know how to fix. So she pushed it away and got on the flight to Istanbul anyway.

She'd been so busy when she got here at first, she hadn't the time to think. She'd convinced herself she was fine and was coping. Now that she had plenty of time to think, her feelings were trying to take over. She can't allow that to happen and feels the panic rising because there's nothing she can do to stop it. She'd been so convinced that she needed to get away and so determined to do just that, she hadn't considered that everything would come to Istanbul with her. It wouldn't just stay back home like a forgotten bit of baggage. It was with her and it hurt everyday as it beat against her chest, with the reminder of who wasn't here pounding with every beat and, the horrible truth about his death, searing it's way to the front of her mind, threatening to consume her...she didn't know what to do.


	5. Guilt and Grief

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit - thank you for the review. Ye I love her too, but she so has to pay more attention to them.

A/N So I just watched the farewell Damian video that is up on the official homeland channel. Claire Danes is so sweet. She seems really upset that Damian is part of homeland no longer. Bless her. At one point she said "I know I'm going to miss him".

Whilst the two fics are not related, I am going to borrow the name I made up for baby C/B in The Long Goodbye, for this one.

Please let me know what you think. Please Read & Review. Thank you.

* * *

Frank was in the kitchen fixing himself some juice when he heard the front door opening. He hadn't been expecting them back so early. As far as he knew, Maggie was taking the girls to a friend's house, so they could show off Allayna, "Maggie, is that you?", he shouts.

Getting no answer, he warily walks into the sitting room. He stops, hardly daring to believe his eyes, "Carrie?", he says in disbelief. She's supposed to be in Istanbul.

Carrie looks at him and begins speaking rapidly, "I...I...needed to come back, to be here. I thought I was doing the right thing leaving, but I was there and it didn't feel right. I felt trapped and scared, had to get away. Now I'm here and it doesn't feel right either. Why don't I know?, she finihes and starts to sob uncontrolably."

Frank sees Carrie's knees buckling and moves forward to catch her. He wished he could fix this, wave a magic wand and make it ok, but he can't. His little girl's heart is broken and there's not a thing he can do about it. There are no words that will make her feel better.

Carrie stands up suddenly, announcing, "I need to go". She goes to leave, but Frank gets in her way.

"Go where", Frank asks.

"Somewhere", she replies, trying to move around him.

"Somwhere, where?", Frank asks again, refusing to move out of the way.

"Move out of my way, dad", Carrie all but orders him, fixing him with a glare.

"No. Where are you going?", he asks again, more demanding this time.

"Anywhere, everywhere", she answers, agitated, fidgeting now.

"Running that's your answer, Carrie? How long are you going to run for?", Frank asks heatedly.

"UNTIL I CAN'T FUCKING FEEL ANYMORE!", she shouts angrily at him, now trying to physically move him out of her way. When that doean't work, she simply starts hitting him. Frank lets her hit him until she tires herself out and collapses against him.

Letting her cry against his chest, he strokes her hair and says,"Then you'll be running forever, sweety. It doesn't matter where you go, how fast or far you travel, whatever it is you think you need to run from will be right there with you until you deal with it."

"You don't understand. He, didn't...I...it wasn't supposed to...", Carrie struggles to get her words out , nearly hysterical.

"It's ok, sweety, deep breaths.

"IT'S NOT OK, IT'S MY FAULT!", Carrie screams at him, before breaking into sobs again.

Frank pulls her over to the couch, "What do you mean it's your fault?", he gently probes. Frank rubs her back trying to get her sobbing under control.

She answers rapidly again, "he wasn't going to do it, not for Saul, not for any of them. He didn't want to do it. But Saul was insistent it was the right thing to do. They sent me in to talk to him. I talked him into it, talked him into going. I shouldn't have. I'm the reason my daughter doesn''t have a father. He said it wasn't right, in the end, what we were doing. I...we broke him again...I want him back, dad. Why isn't he here? WHY DID HE LEAVE ME ALONE?", she shouts through a flood of tears. As he holds her, Frank realises he is crying too.


	6. Baby steps

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Anara - thank you and you're welcome. I love writing for and about C/B and each individually. They make sense to me!

Lucky u - tell me about it. I am just so mad and disappointed with what we got in the flash forward. It was so unreal. You're welcome.

A/N Here we go again. Thank you to everyone, reading, reviewing/faving. Enjoy.

When Maggie is speaking about Carrie scaring her, she's not talking about Carrie's bi-polar disorder...just thought I should point that out.

Please be kind, please read and review.

* * *

Sighing, Maggie looked through the kitchen door at the sleeping form of her sister on the couch in the sitting room, then shaking her head she turned back to her dad, "is she staying or is she going back to Istanbul?", she asked him.

"I don't know. That was not discussed", Frank answers.

"Oh, of course not", Maggie responds sarcastically. She was glad Ruby and Josie had a sleepover. She was feeling quite exhausted after her dad telling her all about Carrie's reappearance.

Reaching across the table, Frank took Maggie's hand and said, "I know it is hard and I know it hurts. I know you argued, said a lot of things."

"How do you know what I said", Maggie asks crossly.

"How do you think? She told me. You didn't say anything to her that I haven't thought of saying a thousand times myself."

"Then why haven't you? She treats us like leftovers", Maggie questioned, irritated and angry.

"I don't trust those people, not one little bit. I don't like the job she does anymore than you do and it isn't fair that we give so much for so little back but at the end of the day, she's my daughter and I know the only people I can trust to take care of her is us", Franks responds.

Taking a deep breath Maggie spoke, "sometimes, she scares me. It's like she's not human. She just keeps going without stopping to consider things, to grieve. She just waltzed right off to Istanbul and I just don't get that, dad. They made no sense whatsoever and yet it is very clear she loves him, but she's just ignoring it all...and their daughter."

"How many times have you been in love, Maggie", Frank asked his eldest.

"What's that got to do with it? she asks defensively.

Frank said nothing, forcing Maggie to answer relentingly,"quite a few."

"Yup and I seem to remember you crying on my shoulders a few times as well. Your sister has been in love the grand total of once. She never went looking for it, married to her job as you know. However, it got her when she was least expecting it and it got her hard. She's every bit as human as you and I. She just doesn't know how to deal with the loss, coupled with the sense of responsibility she feels in his death, she's just lost and confused.

"Then she should let us help her, not run away to work", Maggie angrily responds.

"Ah, so you still want to help her then", Frank questions Maggie, expertly.

"Of course I...oh, oh very good dad! You know with skills like that, you could work for the CIA", Maggie answered, caught off guard by her dad's questioning.

Screwing up his face, Frank responds in a mock angry voice, "that's enough of the cheek young lady."

Maggie smiled despite herself.

Hearing Allayna's cries through the baby monitor, Frank says to Maggie, "you get her and I'll warm up the milk."

This girl had one heck of a pair of lungs on her and would wake the block up if they didn't get her acquainted with a bottle of milk soon. Maggie moved back into the sitting room, stopping she drew in a breath. Carrie was standing at Allayna's cot staring at her daughter. She seemed frozen in place for a few minutes as though trying to decide whether to lift her or not.

"Maggie, what the hell is..."

"Shhh", Maggie scolded her dad as he too came into the sitting room.

"What?", he asked her.

Nudging him to look properly, Maggie heard him draw in his breath as well.

She felt tears in her eyes as her little sister leaned forward and picked her daughter up for the first time.

Frank swallowed the lump in his throat and walked in to hand over the milk.


	7. Carrie goes to a bar

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N I decided this fic could do with a bit of a cheering up chapter. If you happen to be reading TLG you may remember me promising to show Max some love in that story and if I couldn't, I'd do a one shot. Well, I've decided to show Max some love here. Caution for swearing and sexual references. Perhaps a bit OOC but this is meant to be for fun.

Please review.

* * *

She couldn't believe it had been four months. She had atcually been properly trying to be a mom for 4 months. Maggie had that smug look on her face at times that said, "I told you so". She wouldn't say it though because she knew Carrie could say it too. A Mathison female silent battle, with neither willing to lose.

Virgil had been harassing her to meet them for drinks for the past fortnight. Her dad had finally convinced her to go.

She wasn't the blushing type but as she walked across this parking lot she felt her cheeks redden. She also felt happy and sad at the same time. A wonderful memory she couldn't repeat. There'd be no parking lot sex for her tonight. Walking into the bar she saw Virgil and Quinn standing at the bar itself talking to a group of women who seemed to be hanging on their every word. Her eyes found Max sitting at a table on his own. She wasn't in the mood for the loudness surrounding Virgil and Quinn, so decided to join Max instead.

"Hi", Max said as she sat down.

"Hey."

"What do you want to drink? Those two went to the bar 20 minutes ago and haven't come back. I could die of thirst before they do."

"Orange juice and lemonade", Carrie answers.

Max raised his eyebrows and asked, "Being good are we? Well snap", he finished bitterly.

"Firstly Max, I'm never good and secondly why are you on the hard stuff?", Carrie smirked questioning him.

"Drew the short straw. I am designated driver for the evening. I'm sure those two assholes fixed it", Max responded nodding at Quinn and Virgil before going up to the bar.

Carrie could hear Virgil from her seat. He was getting louder which meant he was already a bit drunk. Carried laughed shaking her head as she watched Max fend his brother off to get back to their table.

"Thanks", she said as Max passed her drink to her.

"How much have they had?", she asks Max.

"Enough that they are irritating if you're sober, but not so much that you couldn't catch up if you wanted", he replied.

"I don't want to."

"Shame. I was hoping to see you drink them under the table", Max said.

Carrie shrugged her shoulders, "I've missed your complaining Max."

"I don't complain."

"Oh c'mon you did nothing but complain in Istanbul", Carrie lightheartedly responds.

"I wasn't complaining", he says emphatically. "Lockhart should be in the dictionary next to the word."

"Sorry" Carrie says to Max. She had suffered and heard all about Lockhart's displeasure after she had decided to concentrate on Allayna. He had to find a new Station Chief for Istanbul and had bent Quinn, Virgil and Max's ear when he brought them back, because the new Station Chief wanted his own people.

"I wasn't having a dig. And fuck him."

"Ok. If you weren't complaining what were you doing?", she asks him curiously.

"I thought you were the intelligence officer", he replies cheekily.

"Oh, touche, Max, touche."

"MAAAX BABY, COME HERE FOR A MINUTE", Virgil yelled.

"Did he just call you baby?", Carrie asked snorting through her laughter.

"Yes, yes he did", Max said narrowing his eyes as Virgil approached.

"Don't sit here all by yourself", Virgil said loudly.

"I wasn't. You two ditched me and anyway Carrie's here now..."

"CAAAARRIEE" Virgil yelled as he noticed her, practically throwing himself on top of her in greeting.

"I need to borrow Maxi for two minutes", he said in a whisper and then putting his finger to his lips said, "shhhhh."

"Don't call me Maxi and you" he said looking at Carrie, "send in the SEALS if I'm not back in 5."

Carrie laughed. She had forgotten how annoyingly funny Virgil could be when drunk.

* * *

10 minutes later...

"Ok, where were my SEALS?", Max asks sitting back down.

"Huh?

"You, ok?", he asks slightly concerned.

"I was just thinking", Carrie answers.

"Ahh so that's what that noise was. Here was me thinking it was the sound of Virgil and Quinn's bullshit."

"Oi!", Carrie said laughing inspite of herself. Then adds seriously, "you were distracting me."

"What?"

"In Istanbul. You were distrcting me."

Max shrugs his shoulders.

"You noticed", Carrie says failing to keep the surprise out of her voice.

Max smiled but answered, "it's funny, people being so surprised at me noticing things when my job is to be observant."

"Carrie smiled sheepishly, " I guess I never thought about it."

"That's ok. It's useful. The bad guys make mistakes around me, insignificant as I am."

"You're not insignificant", Carrie suddenly finds herself defending him from himself.

"Oh I know that. I just meant that is how they see me."

"Thank you", Carrie says sincerely to him.

"No problem. What are friends for?"

Looking at their empty glasses, Max says, "right two more glasses of the hard stuff coming right up."

* * *

A few minutes later Max returned to the table with a smirk on his face.

"What are you smirking at?"

"Virgil and Quinn are in tall tales mode. Apparently Virgil is a producer and Quinn is going to be holding auditions for the new Bond girl in the next Bond movie. They are both very single and very available."

"Ok. But why is that so amusing to you?"

"Because. No one said being the sober one had to be boring. They have their fun and I have mine. They still haven't cottoned on", Max finishes with an evil grin.

Before Carrie can respond they hear Virgil saying "Oh, that's just Max. He's...he's a real life Q."

Carrie looks at Max, who is cracking his fingers, with some admiration.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, you play the disgruntled wife phoning looking for her husband and his friend", Max nods at Quinn, "whose wife happens to be at your house also looking for her husband. "How are your accents?"

Carrie grinned, "not to bad. Anway they're drunk. It will make it easier." Talk about hidden sides, she thought. Who knew Max could be so much fun and daring.

Max positioned himself at the bar as Carrie went outside to make the call.

Not too long after the barman suddenly shouted, "I got a phone call for a Virgil."

"That's me."

"It's your wife."

"What? I don't have a wife!", Virgil says incredulously as the bar man moves to hand him the phone.

"Ye,ok buddy", the bar man replies rolling his eyes.

The women are now staring at Quinn and Virgil.

"Did that Bastard just say he doesn't have a wife?", Max could hear Carrie screaching through the phone in an Irish accent.

Virgil trepidatiously picked up the phone, "who is this?"

WHO IS THIS? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHO IS THIS? YOU LYING PRICK!

"But..."

"DON'T BE GIVING ME ANY OF YER SHITE. AND DON'T BE COVERING FOR THAT QUINN ARSEHOLE EITHER. MARY'S HERE LOOKING FOR HIM TOO. YOU TWO TELLING WIMEN YOU WORK IN THE MOVIES AGAIN? IF ONLY A HADN'T BEEN AS STUPID TO FALL FOR THAT PISH! LOOKING TO GET YER ROCKS OFF NO DOUBT. WELL I'LL FEED YOU YER BALLS FOR YOUR BREAKFAST YOU WANKER.

Suddenly there was quiet as Carrie hung up. Max was silently pissing himself laughing and made his way back to the table before Quinn or Virgil noticed him. They were utterly horrified and their wannabe Bond girls were deserting them.

Carrie came back in and quickly and took her seat across from Max. She assessed the situation and noted she'd done her work well.

"Remind me never to get drunk when you are in the vicinity", she says laughing.

"Partners in crime", Max says hoding his hand out to her.

Carrie took it grinning, "absolutely."

Just then, one of the women who had been hovering around Virgil and Quinn came right up to their table, put her hands on Max's face and planted a kiss right on his lips.

After trying to eat Max's face for a couple of minutes, she pulled back and turned to Carrie, "do you mind if I borrow him? He's Q right? I like a man who knows his gadgets and geekchick is so hot."

Carrie looked at Max whose hair was sticking up and whose eye were glazed over. "Borrow away", she said to the woman.

"Go with it!", she mouthed to Max as he allowed the woman to drag him away.

"Guess you'll have to commandeer a taxi, boys. Looks like your designated driver's engine is in demand", Carrie says smirking at the stupified look on Quinn and Virgil's faces, as she headed for the door.

Maybe parking lot sex was on tonight's menu after all. It just wasn't for her and she was ok with that. She had a daughter to go home and cuddle...


	8. Creation

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Emm...first part begins after Quinn put his binoculars away (in the choice) and second/third parts...may need tissues. Warning for some sexual content - not explicit. I don't think so anyway. Was going for romantic rather than explicit.

Please review and let me know what you think.

* * *

_The Cabin was warm. They'd gotten up from the couch and he was kissing her tenderly, undressing her. Putting her arms around him, hands in his hair, she pulled him closer. She wanted more of him, all of him. She heard her intake of breath echoing as though from a distance as he cupped her left breast, moulding it. She felt him smile against her chest as he kissed his way down, claiming her right breast with his mouth, as his hand moved away from her left breast and lower still. _

_Her senses were heightened, he was everywhere, teasing her. She couldn't take it anymore. She wanted him now. He took the hint as she gave his hair a hard tug. She kissed him with passion when their mouths met again. _

_He nudged them over to the bed, pushing her down on it. She tried to pull him down with her but he was having none of it. Heat spread through her like molton lava, her body blushing under his gaze, eyes filled with passion and love. He moved over her and she reached for him pulling him into a firey kiss, trying to take control. He pulled back, taking a hold of her arms and trapping her beneath him._

_"We're going to take it slow", Brody whispered in her ear. _

_Excitement and fear pounded through her veins in equal measure. Brody pushed in moving slowly but purposefully, her eyes closing, savouring the sensations. Nerve endings tingling as he whispered words in her ears. _

_She was close now. She could feel it._

_"Look at me", he demanded softly. _

_She forced herself to open her eyes, to meet those blue eyes. Oh God, the intensity was almost too much. Her eyes fluttered shut again._

_"Look at me", he said more forcefully this time. He was close now as well._

_She forced her eyes open to meet his again, the intensity of his gaze enough to push her closer to the edge. _

_"I love you", he said hitting that spot physically and emotionally._

_Oh God. She heard her own scream as she came, tightening around him in reflex as he continued to thrust in to her._

_"I love you", Brody repeated as he reached his own orgasm. _

_Both panting for breath in the aftermath of their high, Brody pulled out of her and off her, not wanting to crush her. He pulled her over to him. She put her head on him, listening to his heart pounding in his chest. It was her turn to smile, knowing she had that effect on him. Warm and comfortable in his arms, eyes heavy lidded, she drifted off to sleep, content._

* * *

The wind was howling outside, rain pouring, thunder crashing.

Carrie woke up startled by the noise. Just the thunder she thought, smiling, she reached out for him. Finding nothing, no sign that he had been there. The warmth and smile disappeared. She wasn't at the Cabin, lying contentedly in Brody's arms. Because she was in her house on her sofa bed having fallen asleep in front of the TV. So many times she'd fallen asleep here watching him. She'd fallen in love with him at some point on this sofa. She'd been in the middle before she realised she'd began. But Brody wasn't here and never would be again. Powerless to change the situation and to get back what she had lost, she swallowed the lump in her throat, could hear her own heavy breathing as cold reality hit her hard threatening to overwhelm.

Her chest felt tight and her stomache ached with longing. Alone, she was so alone. She didn't want to be alone. Once she had thought she might be destined to be alone and before it hadn't bothered her, wrapped up in her work as she had been. But then she met him and found it was quite nice to be with someone...really be with them. Fear spread through her body like ice but she didn't know what scared her most, the thought of feeling like this for the rest of her life or the day when she could be with someone else. That's what they said, her dad and Maggie...that time would heal her broken heart and eventually she'd be able to move on. She didn't like it. It sounded too much like forgetting him. She didn't want to forget him and she didn't want anyone else either. She wanted him. She was shaking now with misery, tears streaming down her face. She sat for the longest time in the dark. Alone.

* * *

Noise, what was that noise. Loud, wailing, where was it coming from? Louder, why won't it stop? Carrie put her hands to her ears wishing it would stop, that they'd leave her alone. Louder still the wailing became. She cried harder. She wanted Brody. She wanted him next to her, whispering softly in her ears, living here, not just for a moment, but forever. She wanted to see the goofball make their daughter laugh or stare at him strangely as she wondered what this idiot was doing...their daughter...their daughter! She was on her feet before she made the conscious decision to stand up. It wasn't wailing, it was crying. Allayna's cries were echoing through the baby monitor.

She moved quickly without thinking to her room. Picking up her daughter from her cot and comforting her, she sat down on her bed. Rocking her, trying to get her to settle down.

"shhhh mommy's here. It's ok. shhhh."

She didn't know at that point whether she was trying to convince Allayna or herself. But still, she rocked her gently back and forth. Their daughter of red hair and blue eyes, a gift she had taken too long to accept. It struck her that she was much better at being a mom than she ever thought she could be. She was still terrified of course but also grateful. He gave her this gift, not just Allayna but love. He opened her eyes to the fact that there was much more to life than work. If only she'd noticed it earlier. No! Stop it. Don't go there, she tells herself. Focus on Allayna, she has Allayna.

Allayna, their little girl, proof that he had been here and hers, that he had existed and wasn't just a dream torturing her. Allayna now fast asleep against her chest, her presence comforting her mother back to sleep, as her mother had done to her. Ours, Carrie thought as sleep once again claimed her. Our creation!


	9. For the avoidance of doubt

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit - Thank you as ever for the review. I cried writing it!

LuckyU and red lightning thank you for the reviews. Seriously it helps knowing people are liking what I'm writing.

Terzima - Aww, thanks. They so were meant for each other. You're contributing to keeping their story alive as well with your fics and I consider it a pleasure to do so.

A/N I have had this idea for a while. It was originally supposed to be chapter 3 but fits much better here with a few changes (mainly the inclusion of Max).

Please let me know what you think. Please review.

* * *

"You ok?" Max asks with genuine concern.

Carrie shook her head, downing the shot of bourbon in one. She was not ok in the slightest. She still hated the stuff and it burned her throat, but she needed something...

"Want to talk about it?"

Carrie didn't respond right away. She had no idea when Max had become such a close friend, but she was glad. She needed that and knowing he had a girlfriend, meant she was sure he wasn't playing the concerned act to try and get in her pants.

"It didn't go well", Carrie finally answers Max's question.

* * *

_**Earlier that day**_

_She was pacing back and forth so much that if she didn't stop she was going to make a hole in the carpet. She stopped. Brody hated the word and so did she. No holes allowed! What to do? She couldn't decide. Stay in and face it or go out and avoid, hoping that he'll get the message and leave her alone. She snorted, he could be just as determined as her when he wanted. At least Max had phoned and warned her to expect a visit very soon. She was dreading seeing him, wasn't sure she was ready or if she ever would be. _

_A knock at the door halted Carrie's thoughts and drew the breath out of her at the same time. She forced herself to go and open the door. No more avoiding. It was going to be dealt with now whether she wanted it to be or not. _

_"Hi", he says with an awkward smile. _

_"Hi, Saul", she responds, making way for him to come inside._

_"Thank you", Saul says as Carrie hands him a mug of coffee._

_Sipping some of her own coffee to distract from the awkward silences, she contemplated why he was here. Was it because he needed something, because she'd given up her job, because she was avoiding him? He certainly hadn't come all the way from New York just to have lunch with Adal. She wasn't in the mood to discuss it with him, but then she doubted she would ever be. _

_"You haven't been answering my calls. Again. I thought before the memorial service it was understandable but now?"_

_There it was. No beating around the bush, Carrie thought before replying, "I've been busy."_

_"With what?"_

_"Being a mom."_

_"And that prevents you from answering the phone does it?", Saul asks with an edge to his voice._

_Carrie, sure she heard a noise, doesn't answer right away, listening._

_"We're even in the same room at the moment and you're not paying attention", Sauls says tetchily."What are you doing Carrie? You were given a brilliant position, take it up and then suddenly you don't want it anymore. More to the point, it's what you've always wanted and now you just don't?"_

_"People change, Saul. Even me."_

_"No! Not even you. This is about Brody isn't it?", he asks with a hint of diapproval. _

_Carrie feeling guilt surfacing, anger rising and her blood boiling, responds, "it's been very clear for a long time that Brody is not a subject we can discuss. If all you can manage is ridicule then don't pain me further by bothering."_

_"Me? Me, pain you? What about what he did?", Saul's says, his own voice now rising with anger. _

_Carrie turns away from him, refusing to answer that question and letting silence fall between them._

_"The position of Station Chief is a great responsibility and honour", Saul says more calmly, after a few moments trying to appeal to her._

_Carrie turns back around and answers, "being a mom is much more rewarding."_

_Saul can hardly hold in a snort, "5 months and you're an expert, are you? Why don't you just admit this is about Brody?"_

_"This is about both of them. Brody and Allayna. My daughter and her father. You want to know what's wrong, Saul. Really? You sure about that?", Carrie asks in anger._

_The tone in her voice makes Saul take a step back, but he's pushed her and now she's not relenting. _

_"Ok, I'll tell you what's wrong. Yes I've been avoiding you and yes I have given up my job. Deal with it. These are my choices. The truth is that there are two people I blame for Brody being dead and they're both standing in this room! There I said it. You happy now, because I sure as hell am not."_

_Saul looked as though Carrie had just slapped him, but found his voice somehow. "We did the right thing. Relations with Iran are good."_

_Carrie shook her head, wondering how her father and Maggie ever put up with her being this infuriating. _

_"How long will that last? We both know it will last as long as some politician decides. Javadi is not to be trusted. Brody is dead for nothing."_

_"He was going to..."_

_"Oh change the record Saul. I know what he was going to do, because I'm the one that fucking stopped him. I know what he did to me, because, hey, believe it or not, I was there too. I can't turn my feelings off to suit you and frankly I don't fucking want to. We worked through it and I love him. Get that through your head. I've made my decision. Our daughter comes first", Carrie responds firmly._

_"Ever since he entered your life you lost focus on your duty. He was a distraction and..."_

_Carrie continues as though Saul had't spoken, "there's a little boy without his mother and grandmother, who was in the house while they were murdered and that is on you. My daughter has lost her father. I'm not leaving her...and this discussion is over." _

_"You will miss the job. You will regret it later on", Saul continues determined to be heard, ignoring the truth of what Carrie had just said. _

_Carrie fixes him with a cold stare, trying to hold back the emotions threatening to spill out, "the only thing I regret is that it took Brody dying for me to wake up to the fact that there are more important things than my job. It is time for you to leave", Carrie says drained._

_"You're just going to throw away everything you worked for?", Saul asks angrily._

_Frank had long since learned his little girl didn't need nor want him fighting her battles. That's why he hadn't interrupted when he arrived home with Allayna, had left them to it, but now he'd heard enough._

_"She asked you to leave. I strongly suggest you do so. Now__!", Frank says sternly to Saul as he comes into the siting room._

_Saul stares as Frank walks in to the sitting room and hands Allayna to Carrie. Frank turns back towards Saul._

_"I believe you were going."_

_"She's making a mistake", Saul says firmly as Frank all but pushes him out the door._

_"Putting their daughter first over the CIA's crap is not a mistake. But then you wouldn't know anything about that would you?", Frank finishes angrily, slamming the door in Saul's face. _

_Carrie cradled Allayna, keeping her as close as possible. Saul's arrival had knocked her off balance, dredging up things she thought she had been dealing with. She held on tightlly to Allayna, all she had left of Brody now._

_"He's gone", her dad says coming back into the sitting room and pulling her and Allayna into a hug._

* * *

**Present**

Max passed her another shot of bourbon.

"Thanks for the warning. It would have been even worse without knowing he was coming", Carrie answered again downing the shot in one.

"Don't mention it", Max replies.

"What I need right now is another drink and a change of subject", Carrie said.

"Ok, but maybe you should take pity on me and slow down...and why bourbon? That stuff is awful!"

"Blame Brody. His drink of choice when drowning sorrows", Carrie replies.

"Ah, ok.

They sat in silence for a few moments. Max didn't push Carrie further for which she was grateful. He knew she'd talk more when ready.

"Right, I want details", Carrie took the initiative of changing the subject to something more cheery. Max let her.

"Details?", Max asks curious.

"Yes, Q! Details of your first "proper" date with Melanie."

"What? You one of the guys, now?", Max asks cheekily whilst avoiding Carrie's attempted punch on his arm.

"Just spill."

"I might not like bourbon mysef, but surely that'd be a waste?"

"Maaax", Carrie says warningly."

Max just grinned before leaning towards Carrie as though sharing a secret and animatedly began spilling the beans.

Further A/N: I don't know if it was just me, but I thought Carrie was off with Saul in the S3 finale. Maybe it was just me, because I was looking for one chink of light...and because I hated what the writers did with Saul in S3 which probably shows. Please let me know what you think.


	10. Searching

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit - Thank you so much. As you know from our PM discussion I'm not happy with Saul. I'll keep trying to write "in the feels". Oh and I had to google brotp...

Guest - Thank you for reading, the review and compliment. I am glad I have caught your attention. I am trying to delve into that which the writers have denied us.

A/N Another idea I have had at the back of my mind for a while. Backstory I made up for Carrie which may be or become AU. I never really expected to do a two parter on this fic. Alas, here we are. First part.

Please let me know what you think. Please review.

* * *

**4pm**

"Quinn, you're sure?"

"Saul, I'm positive. She definitely got on a flight to New York. It landed 6 hours ago. Maybe she's finding somewhere to stay and freshen up before coming to see you."

"You're probably right."

"Bye, Saul."

Saul allowed himself a smile. Carrie was on her way here. Hopefully they could work things out.

* * *

Carrie stared in the mirror of her hotel room and didn't like the uncertainty she could see staring back at her, nor the sadness in her eyes that had become a permanent fixture. She was anxious and unsure and didn't imagine the welcome would be warm, especially after their last conversation. She seemed to be unsure about a lot of things these days. She didn't like the feeling. She used to be certain about everything. Now she felt like she was groping around in the dark.

* * *

**7.30pm**

"What's wrong, Quinn?", Virgil asks as Quinn comes off his call to Saul. It hadn't sounded like an encouraging conversation.

"Carrie may be missing."

"What makes you say that?" Max asks sharply.

"Well she went to New York. Her flight landed 9 and a half hours ago but Saul hasn't seen or heard from her."

"She didn't say she was going to New York. She just said she was going away for a few days", Max says narrowing his eyes at Quinn.

"Well...I just wanted to make sure she was ok."

"You checked up on her? Quinn, she won't like that at all", Virgil says shaking his head.

"The point is she may be missing", Quinn answers angrily.

"Why? Because she hasn't shown up on Saul's doorstep? She never said she was going to see him either", Max offers scathingly.

"Do you know who she's gone to see?", Quinn asks, voice low and dangerous.

"Max?", Virgil questions. He knew that Max and Carrie seemed to be getting on quite well recently.

"No. It's like I said, she said she was going away for a few days. Said she had something to do...and no, before you ask, she didn't say what. If she wanted us to know, she would have told us."

"It has to be about Saul. Who else wold she be going to see in New York?", Quinn asks frustrated.

Max went back to watching their suspect, but could feel Quinn's eyes on him. He'd need to wait for a distraction. First chance he got though he was phoning Carrie to warn her Saul might be sending out a search party.

* * *

Carrie saw him coming out of the Restaurant. He made his way from there towards her in the Hotel bar. He hadn't seen her yet. He looked much the same, if a little older. Shoulders slumped and no trace of the smile she'd been used to for over a year. She supposed being a Chef in a busy, popular New York Hotel Restaurant would be stressful, but doubted that was the reason someone still young gave off the impression of being much older. She wondered if that is how she looked to people now.

She contemplated the bottom of her glass. Now that she was here and sitting in the same room, she had no idea how to approach him.

* * *

He'd seen her as soon as he entered the bar. It could just be coincidence of course, her being here. He mentally snorted. Yeah right. His drink tasted bitter in his mouth. He was tired and in no mood for any CIA bullshit she might have brought with her. In truth though, he'd been waiting for this day. After all Intelligence Officers are never free. Knowledge ensures someone will need you at some point, long after you got out and whether you want it or not.

He used the mirrors above the bar to observe her for a few minutes. He didn't like what he saw. Everything about her demeanor was wrong and not what he remembered. There was no resemblance to the irritatingly keen newby who thought the sun shone out of Berenson's ass and, who had in the end wounded him with her naive words, at the time he needed it least. She seemed lost and everything he was when he'd last spoken to her.

Now he was curious...damn her!

* * *

Carrie didn't even look up as the bottle of Tequila was put down in front of her.

"I didn't order another drink", she says without looking up.

"No. But you look like you need the bottle!"

Carrie looked up sharply at the sound of his voice. He took the seat across from her.

"Hello, Carrie. Long time, no see."

She hadn't thought he'd seen her. Maybe she was losing her touch.

"Hello, Stephen", she replied, swallowing.

* * *

Her silence unnerved him. He spent the first 6 months working with her trying to find a way to shut her up, because Christ knows, she hadn't known how to take a telling.

"Whatever it is, I'm not interested. I live a relatively quiet and peaceful life now. One I do not need disturbed for the latest Langley/Washington dramatics", Stephen said emphatically.

"I'm not here on CIA business."

He raised his eyebrows at her in disbelief.

"I don't even work for them anymore."

* * *

Well one thing was the same about her. She was still full of surprises. Maybe it was coincidence then, her being here.

"I needed to speak to you."

Then again maybe not. It had always been hard to tell with her.

"Well if you're not CIA anymore and not here on official business, why are you here? We haven't seen each other for a long time. You didn't just pop by for a drink."

Stephen watched her take a drink apparently searching for some courage. That was new too. The Carrie he remembered had never been short of it.

"I'm searching for answers of my own and I came to tell you something."

"You came all this way to tell me something", Stephen asks incredulously.

Carrie swallows the lump in her throat and forces the words out, "I came to tell you that I'm sorry and that...that...you were right."

Stephen has no reply to this. Perhaps there were two things that hadn't changed about her. Apparently she still knew how to deliver a hammer blow whether she meant to or not. He didn't like the implications of what she had just said. He looked at her eyes properly and saw reflected there, the pain he'd seen in his own.

He reached for the Tequila and poured them both a shot.

"John", he shouted at the barman.

"Ye?", the barman shouted back.

"I think we're going to need another bottle!"


	11. Answerssort of

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit &Terzima - Thank you for the reviews. I'm glad I have you intirgued. I have feeling that you will come to like Stephen very much.

A/N Second part. Thank you to everyone still reading.

Please review.

* * *

A couple of shots of Tequila later, she still hadn't said anything. He was right, was he? He didn't have to ask about what. He might not know the circumstances but he remembered their last conversation well. He ran his hand through his hair and back down over his face. He'd warned her, but he felt no inclination to say I told you so.

"I am. You know...sorry", Carrie says breaking her silence now loking him straight in the eyes.

A lump forming in his throat, Stephen settles for nodding his head rather than answering. He knew she meant it. Gone was the naive rookie. Sitting in her place an experienced field operative with stories of her own to tell. Still, it was like a punch in the gut having it brought up. They said time was a healer. He wasn't sure about that but then he supposed he hadn't really dressed the wound, but rather left it to fester.

* * *

He'd been leading the conversation. Now he was silent. Carrie was worried about whether she had done the right thing coming here. She had in fact taken a good month or so arguing with herself before finally deciding to come. Her argument with Saul had been the tipping point. Yes, it had been 13 years but here she was dragging it all back up for him.

* * *

"So you want to tell me about it then?" he asks the question, pushing away the memories. If it was something to do with the CIA technically she shouldn't share the details with him, but she knew he could keep it to himself. It's probably why she came here.

"I..."

Carrie's phone started ringing, interrupting her. Seeing who it was from the caller ID, she knew she had to pick up. Smiling apologetically at Stephen she answered.

"Hey, Max. What is it?"

Stephen listened to Carrie's side of the conversation. Max was clearly a freind.

"He did what?"

Stephen chuckled. There was that Mathison tone of idignance. Someone had just jumped into her bad books. Poor them.

"Ok. Thanks for warning me. What? Ye, I found him. I'm with him just now. See you when I get back. Bye.

Stephen raised an eyebrow at her in question as she came off the call.

"Max helped me track you down."

"Ah right. So what's up then?"

"What makes you think anything is wrong?"

"You kidding? There are some things that even experience can't get rid of. You still have that high pitched tone which usually means something is wrong."

"I do not", Carrie says annoyed.

"If you say so Mathison", Stephen replies with a knowing smirk.

Glaring at him, Carrie reaches for the Tequila and pours them both another shot.

"It would seem that Saul knows I am in New York. He wrongly thought I was here to see him and there is a good chance he is on his way here."

"He's in New York?", Stephen asks, eyes hardening.

"Yes. He works here now."

"Why does he think you were coming to see him?"

"Because another idiot friend jumped to that conclusion and told him", Carrie answers frowning, clearly unimpressed.

Stephen found it strange. Something in her tone told him she wasn't keen on meeting Bernerson at the moment. That was surreal to him and unexpected.

"You don't want to see him?", he asks her curiously.

"No. Not right now. Not ready for round 2 with him just yet."

"And he probably wouldn't be pleased to see you talking to me."

"His problem", Carrie answers emphatically.

"Ok. I'm guessing he's either tracked your phone or your credit card, assuming that you are staying here."

"Not completely out of practice then, Agent O'Neill?", Carrie replies with a grin.

"Ye. You know me. Captain obvious. So, you don't want to see him and I don't want to see him. You could go leave your phone in your room and we could go back to my place."

"I already paid for a room here..."

"Should have phoned ahead Mathison."

"And I don't want you getting any ideas", Carrie continues as though there had been no interruption.

"Ha! Me? Ok, first of all Mathison", Stephen began putting his coat on and lifting the other bottle of Tequila, "you are the one who took undercover just a little to literally. Secondly, you kissed me first and thirdly, no ideas here. I will be in my bed and you will be on the sofa!".

"Still ever the gentleman I see...and for the record, it was like kissing my brother!", Carrie retorts with a smirk.

"Ouch. You wound me Mathison", Stephen replies dramatically. "But you don't have a brother."

"You know what I meant. Smart ass", Carrie answers following him out of the bar.

* * *

He had just parked in front of the Hotel he knew Carrie was booked into when he saw her with someone. At first he smiled. Maybe she had gotten a bit side tracked. She was known to do that. He really thought she should be trying to move on. But then the man had turned around and Saul saw who it was. He didn't know whether he was more shocked or angry, but he wasn't happy that was for sure.

* * *

Carrie looked around taking everything in from her seat on the sofa. He seemed to be waiting on her assessment.

"It's very man cave", she offers.

"Single man. My domain", he grinned. Carrie didn't grin back. His own smile faltered.

"You ok with that?", she asks quietly.

"Sometimes and sometimes not", Stephen answered honestly, sitting down next to her. They were getting to why she was here.

"How do you cope? How do you move on?", Carrie asks.

He hears the desperation in her voice, sees the pleading on her face but he's not sure he has the answers she's looking for.

"I don't know. I don't know that I have. I've had a few one night stands which numbed the pain for a while, but left me feeling even more empty in the long run. Maybe she was it for me. I don't know. I've never really looked for anyone else."

Seeing the pained expression on her face, he continues, "look, that doesn't mean that's how it has to be for you. The point is I can't answer those questions for you. Only you can answer them."

Stephen pours more Tequila and hands it to Carrie, "do you want to move on?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. It's confusing and painful. I mean can you imagine me in love?"

Stephen would have laughed at that question if it were not so obvious that she had been. He understood what she meant though. The idea of the single minded Carrie Mathison of 13 years ago in love, was ludicrous.

"I need to keep going though for..."

Stephen saw her struggling to speak and the tears forming. He reached over and rubbed her back.

"I need to keep going for Allayna's sake", Carrie finishes picking up her phone and flicking through until she came to what she was looking for. She handed it to Stephen.

Stephen stared for a moment. He was looking at photo of Carrie and a baby girl with red hair.

"She's...you're a mom?", he questions looking at her with a hint of disbelief.

"I know! Double whammy. In love and a mom", Carrie answers as though still in shock herself.

Recovering first, Stephen asks, "so any photos of dad? I'd quite like to see the guy that melted your heart", Stephen asks with a smile attempting to lighten the mood a little.

Carrie felt the dagger twist in her heart and the tears stinging at her eyes, "no", she choked out realising that she didn't have any of them together and never would have any of him with Allayna. "He died before she was born."

Stephen could honestly say he felt her pain. He didn't want to upset her further, but she didn't come here not to talk.

"Who was he?"

Carrie looked up, contemplating. He wouldn't judge. Hadn't that been one of the reasons she had decided to come. The one thing she was certain about...that he wouldn't judge.

Pushing away her fear, she answers his question, "Nicholas Brody."

If he was surprised or shocked he didn't show it. Carrie was grateful.

* * *

Well he hadn't been wrong about her still being full of surprises. He tried not to show his shock though. He knew better than to believe everything put out in the public eye, but others didn't. He can't imagine she has been able to talk about it to anyone particularly not as most of the Country still believed him on the run and the Langley Bomber. She was here because he was dead.

Do I want to know how or why he died?", he asks her.

"Probably not."

"But you need to talk and I'm all ears", he encouraged her.

Carrie took another shot of Tequila and began,"it started on my sofa..."


End file.
